Giving up the fight to save my sanity while in treatement.

October 24, 2010

I'm off to Maple Ridge Treatment Centre, they gave me a day parole/pre-release. I don't have leave privaliges but I can have visitors for the day. It's a 5 week program and I'm hoping to take the electives offered such as: Grief and Loss to help with some issues around my father, Parenting Family Issues, and there's a co-concurrent Therapist who deals specifically with drug/alchohol and emotional issues so I want to take advantage of that as well. After the program I have to return back to the prison and go back on the board again and then be released from there to the Correctional Centre.

I'm looking forward to treatment and need to souly focus on that to get myself together. The situation between my exwife and I no matter how hard over the last six months I've apologised and tried to repair it, her anger and resentment presents to much of a distraction from what i'm trying to achieve for my life. That's why i sent her the following email.

I'm fearful as well that she's trying or will try to sabatauge my release. It'd be nice to have a chance to move on with my life and make it the best i can for everyone.

I'd like to ask you something. I was hoping that while at MRTC you might drop by and visit me on the weekend to talk about being a possible support for me in regards to recovery and friendship. I love and miss you very much. I'll never forget everything you've done for my exwife and I. I really hope you'll come.

(Letter to exwife)

Dear,

I write this letter with a heavy heart. It's one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make but it's the best one for our family.

I feel emence love for my children and you know that. I desperatly want them in my life but as this point I feel your anger and resentment towards me is not healthy for any of us. I feel it's stopping any potential relationship with the children and is obviously causing us great distress.

I am working hard at putting my life together and need to set some personal boundaries to ensure I succeed. This next portion is not about you or the girls, it's all about me and stabalizing my life because until I can do that I'm no good to anyone.

I realize now that I need to step back from you completely and unfortunetly the girls as well. I can't afford your emotonal distractions while I'm going to treatment. The parole board said to me flat out that I'm not getting w/e passes or leave prigilages because I need to focus souly on my treatment which is what I intend on doing. I know this sounds selfish but I have to be. One of my issues is this emotional game of Ping Pong with you and I'm not playing anymore. This kind of stress in the past has led me astray, so he best thing is for everyone to go our seperate ways and move on with our lives.

I don't wish any contact from you whatsoever. Please don't write or send anything in the mail. I'm stepping away from you and focusing on my treatment. If there are any legal forms please send them through a lawyer or Social Services and I will get them signed. I will also, try show some parental respect by trying to contribute to the raising of the girls.

I wish you the best and regardless of what you think, I really do know that because of you those girls will grow up to be beautiful human beings.

XX

Once I was back inside I called to talk to the girls and wish them a merry christmas. There was no answer. I left a message asking if she could write my girlfriend letting her know when a good time to call would be.

Mother to Girlfriend January 7 at 10:58pm

.... I would have sent this to his facebook, but I can't access it so here you are again in the middle. I was considering not even dignifying his call with a reply because, as a reminder, here are some of the last words he sent me: I don't wish any contact from you whatsoever."Yes, he requested no contact "from" as opposed to "with" me and the girls, but I am making the same request and expect him to respect it.

The only exception is if he wants to contribute to the cost of living for the girls. Please let him know that I am not playing his game .... I am standing my ground and requesting that if he wishes to contact me or the girls, it needs to be through a lawyer or social services.

Girlfriend to Mother - January 12 at 8:29am
I have let him know. Just to be clear, is it that once he sends money he can talk to the girls, or just start sending money and no contact at all but through your lawyer?
If so, he would like the name of your lawyer so his can contact them please.

(side note) I just wanted to clear something up that's been bothering me. I heard that some one told my niece that "I" wanted nothing to do with you or your girls. This whole situation is very strange for me and we don't have a relationship or anything, but please know that's not true.
The decisions he's made regarding not having contact were not influenced by me nor was I in agreeance w/ them and he sees now that rather than focusing on you and him, he should be just focusing on the girls.

If there's anything I can do to help you all in this mess (although it's not my place) I'll try. I'm filled with deep empathy for you all. Probably sounds like crap coming from me but, it's there.

Mother to Girlfriend - January 12 at 6:12pm
I'll reply to the other message later, but this one is time sensitive so I just wanted to let you know that although the $ email transfer is appreciated it's useless cuz I deal with XXXX:(

Mother to Girlfriend - January 16 at 12:13pm Report
..... I will try to explain things clearly later. If "HE" still wants to contribute to the girls' welfare, my account number is XXX.

Girlfriend went to that bank w/ that number to deposit $ but account and person didn't exist, there fore could leave funds. No contact since that point. And no new of what lawyers name is?.......